Delayed Treatment

When I received my treatment plan a few months ago I wrote out a calendar noting my chemo days and my off days. I filled in the spaces with birthday parties and other events for my off weeks that I could attend, even planning some camping trips and trips to the beach. 

My cancer said.... "aww that's cute!"

I went in for my blood draw last week my results showed that my platelets were too low to receive chemo so I had to push treatment back. That rocked me in a way I was not expecting. 

For the first time since my initial diagnosis I felt very out of control. Logically, I know... cancer and chemo have a mind of their own. They are battling it out inside my body. I am just the vessel that is containing them. Emotionally, I am so disappointed my body wasn't able to recuperate as fast as I wanted it to. So I took a day. I felt all my feelings allowed myself to mope, and by Wednesday I was back on my positivity bs :)

The hardest thing I had to come to terms with is that I can feel totally fine and normal but my labs can still be trash- as my lovely nurse put it. (seriously I have the best nurse!) 

So I did what I do best and I made a plan. I followed a high antioxidant meal plan. I ate lean meats and kale by the buckets. I stuffed spinach into my smoothies and drank bone broth every morning in hopes my platelets would return to acceptable levels. And DID THEY EVER! They went from 77 to 187! I was elated. Honestly, I don't know if the diet attributed to my recovery but I do know I was fucking pumped to get my chemo yesterday. Isn't that something? 

Moving forward I am going to try my best to just roll with it. Take the news as it comes and try not to let it get to me as much. 

Hair update: Still there! And in fact, I am sprouting more grays... that's good news, I guess!

Best, Worst,  I'll go first: 

Best- Paolo and I got to get away for a little trip to Floridaaaaaa! He received an award for work and I got to tag along. We had oysters and seafood and matchas and went for nature walks. We saw a shark at the beach and got charged by a black bear! We had a great trip and it was so nice to spend the time together where we could have a conversation uninterrupted. But of course, Leona was the topic of about 50% of our convos. 

Worst- I had a really stressful treatment week for round 2. Would love to spill the tea but I'm working on it with my therapist. I started therapy after thinking about it for months and I'm working through setting boundaries and forgiveness. I'm actually really proud of myself for this progress but it's still pretty uncomfortable. Currently I am working on a timeline of my life from birth until now and any significant events. It's a lot!

Your turn! 

Thanks for following along, I really love seeing where in the world everyone is reading from! Feel free to leave a comment and tell me about yourself!

Treatment Plan

I have officially completed my first cycle of treatment and as I have learned so much more about this process I wanted to share some information about what this whole thing looks like for me. 

My plan of treatment is called TCHP: Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, Perjeta.

From what I understand this plan is used to treat early stage breast cancer that has that HER-2 positive element. 

My type of cancer is triple positive. This means it is positive in estrogen receptors (ER), progesterone receptors (PR) and the HER-2 protein. Basically my cancer is driven by hormones and these medicines target that specifically. 

My treatment falls into a 21 day cycle: 

Week 1- TCHP 

Week 2- Taxotere only

Week 3 -Off week

Before each infusion I have a blood draw to ensure I'm healthy and strong enough to continue with the treatments and a check in with my oncologist. I'm currently in my off week preparing for the next round and over all I feel good! Energy is decent, appetite is normal and I have even been able to work out. 

I briefly mentioned my genetic testing in another post, but I wanted to emphasize that I had a full genetic panel and everything came back negative. There are hundreds of genes known to be associated with cancer (BRCA is one you may know associated with breast cancer) and I will be updated if any new genes are discovered. This was such a relief as there was so much worry about passing this on to my daughter. Of course we will always mention my cancer as a part of her medical history, but the worry of this being genetic is not there. 

HAIR UPDATE: 

As of right now I am 17 days post my first chemo infusion. (Knocking on all the wood) My hair has shown normal amounts of shedding but nothing more. I am using a cold capping system while receiving my treatments in hopes to keep some of my hair through this process. While it's not the most comfortable thing to wear, it's not terrible. After the first 15 minutes my scalp has numbed from the cold and it's just part of the routine. I didn't even know about cold capping until a dear friend of mine went through cancer a few years ago. I was fascinated by it and when I was first diagnosed she was right there to guide me. 

I really have to baby my hair while I am going through treatment. Minimal washing, no ponytails or tight styles, no heat styling. It's been a lesson in loving my natural hair. 

After treatment I notice the side effects come about 48 hrs later. Mostly upset stomach, fatigue, nausea, dizziness and a pressure headache. I have made it my goal to drink as much water as I can every day and I know that is helping push everything through. 72 hrs after my last treatment I was able to attend Muffins with Mom at Leona's school. While I was still fatigued I was able to make bracelets, eat muffins and spend time with her and the other moms, it was really special. 

I'm learning that I will have many more good days than bad. I will take the opportunity to rest when I need to so I can participate in the activities that I love as they come. Keeping a positive outlook has been my main focus through every step. It's been very important to me to focus on healing and surviving this diagnosis. I'm lucky to have the support of family and friends both near and far offering to help with daily life when I'm down. 

Let me know if you have any questions I can help answer, I'm no expert but I have learned a lot for my specific type of cancer and I'm happy to share!

Best, Worst, I'll go first: 

Best: The mosquitoes in the south absolutely attack me this time of year.... but not this year! Apparently they don't like the smell of my chemo blood. I consider this a win!!

Worst: When Leona brings home a sickness from school I have to be really careful but it's almost inevitable I will catch something. So we are taking care of her cough and cold all while I try not to catch it. 

Honestly there has been a lot of positive things since my last treatment and I am going into my next round with a strong mindset and positive outlook!

Your Turn!

First Round

Here's the thing about cancer: no matter how positively you go into it, those drugs will take you down whenever they damn well please. 

This is me:

Happy, *healthy* and ready to fight cancer. 

This is me two days later: 

Not so happy. Feeling extreme fatigue BUT still up for the fight with cancer!

I'll spare you the details of my down days, but I'll just say Imodium and saltines were my best friends. 

Overall it was about 48 hrs of feeling YUCK. My main focus was hydration so I sipped water, electrolytes and bone broth all through the day. All of my doctors and advocates have impressed that this is essential to my recovery and I have been crushing my water goals. 

It's currently Monday morning and I'm listening to the early morning music of the blue birds. I'm waiting for my daughter to wake. I'm spinning the rings on my fingers already noticing the difference a few days of no appetite can make. 

The hardest part so far is the distance I have to put between my daughter and myself. I was unaware I wouldn't be able to snuggle her and kiss her for many days following my treatments. She feels this distance and it is heartbreaking. That's not something you can really prepare for. But it's temporary. I will deal with this temporary if it means I get to snuggle her for the rest of my life.

I want to say thank you to everyone following along. This space has always been where I have felt most comfortable to share my thoughts and I know many of you have been reading since day one. Thank you for sharing your time with me. I know some have requested to follow me on instagram, but many years ago I chose to private my account to just friends and family. As much as I would like to open that up to all so I can share information and this process, I want to ensure I protect my families privacy in all of this. Thank you for understanding!

Best, worst, I'll go first:

Best: Having energy to go for a family walk. It's truly the little things as cliche as it sounds. I wasn't able to leave the house for 2 days so when I was able to take a stroll up the street I was thrilled!

Worst: Chemo rash. This popped up on my chest and back. Not painful, just annoying and I feel like a troll. 

 

Your turn!

Next chemo session is tomorrow!

Looking up

We received the results from the biopsy on my right breast: Negative

We received the results from my PET scan: Negative for signs of metastasis

This means the cancer has not spread! It has only been found in the left breast and this is such a relief! Making it through the last few weeks feels like a major accomplishment. I checked everything off my list and I am scheduled to start chemo! Exciting right?! 

I'm laughing at myself that I am giddy about chemo treatment.  

Starting treatment means I can begin healing. I know it's going to be a rough journey but I'm prepared and I'm grateful for the support I have. 

I have scoured the internet for information and have also been connected to people who have gone through this process themselves. I'm happy to share all that I've learned so far and I'll be detailing anything that helps me along the way. 

Having a 4 (almost 5) year old adds on quite a bit as I go through this. I have to say, I am so proud of my daughter. She is brave, curious and shares when she is feeling scared. We are choosing to discuss things openly with her. She knows about my appointments, we teach her what terms like biopsy and PET scan mean, she knows (some) of what to expect when I start going through chemo. We have discussed some fun things we can do when I'm having calm and quite days. She's really excited to play with the modeling clay that was sent to us! We also read her a book that was an excellent resource. It really goes through what a child may experience when their parent is going through cancer. I hope you will never need this resource, but if you do HERE is the link to the book. 

All of this to say I'm ready for this. Mentally I am feeling strong. I am focused on the only outcome: getting this cancer the fuck out of my body. 

So things are really looking up around here. 

I recently heard one of my favorite follows, Mada, use this little phrase— best, worst, I’ll go first. It reminds me of a little game my friend Caity used to play as we would all take turns expressing the best parts of our day. 

I’m going to be signing off with best and worst and I hope you’ll join in with me. I would love to hear about you. 

Best: My brother is visiting from Thailand for a few weeks and I get to witness the instant bond him and Leona share. It’s something I will remember forever. 

Worst: Paying $2k to help preserve my hair during chemo with cold capping. Luckily, I will be able to submit this to insurance for reimbursement at some point… 

Your turn! 

You're so strong.

Everyone keeps telling me "You're so strong."

I know this is a kind gesture to help me feel empowered and to help convey their love and admiration for me and what I am going through. I know. Wednesday I did not feel strong. In fact, I felt pretty defeated. 

I had my standing Wednesday cancer appointment (as my friends and I like to joke) bright and early, ready to go in the sterile waiting room. I sit there in my hospital gown and booties waiting for my IV to be inserted. When the doctor arrives and asks if I have any concerns regarding my MRI guided biopsy, I say only to make sure I am fully numbed. My last biopsy was painful and I am still sporting the bruises from it. 

He ensured I would be extensively numbed and should only feel pressure. Great! Let's do it! 

Into to MRI Tube I go. If you have never had the pleasure of a breast MRI, please let me paint the picture: 

The room is freezing. You are asked to disrobe and lay belly down on the table. There is a cushion and cut out for your face, like a massage table. 

And what is this below? Another cut out? Oh yes, for your breasts to dangle in. They help guide you into the slots to ensure maximum dangle-age. It's quite humbling. 

Once the MRI locates the area of concern on my right breast, the team comes back into the room and is ready to biopsy. 

"Just a pinch and a burn" in goes the lidocaine. "You should only feel pressure" the slice of the scalpel. 

"It will sound like a vacuum and a drill" begins the biopsy tool. 

OW. OW that hurts. The doctor didn't hear me. 

Luckily the nurse did and said stop. They proceeded with more lidocaine as he comments "wow, we really do have to numb you up." No shit. 

They send me back into the tube as I'm trying to hold in my sobs. They kindly request that I stay still so they can ensure they located the spot. I'm not sure if you can stop crying on demand, but typically if someone asks you to stop it only makes it worse. I try to hold it together. 

The machine beeps and sings as the imagining scans my body. Then slides me forward once completed. 

Next, a gentle mammogram to ensure the marker is in the correct place. They hold my incision and pack it with more gauze to stop the bleeding. The bandages won't hold shut. Off I go to the mammogram room!

The lady guides me in and plops my right breast on the platter of the machine. As she guides the top plate down to squash my breast, she pushes my port against my body so it doesn't get caught in the plate. I pull my body away as I make a pathetic sound of pain. She apologizes as she guides me back in. Tears and blood flow down my chest. My incision has opened and even though I am numb, I can feel the cold drips. 

Imaging is done and I head back to get dressed. I have two nurses helping me clean up the drips and bind my breasts with a compression wrap. 

As I head back into the waiting room I am greeted by my smiling husband. I crumble in his arms. He asks how it went and I just cry. Silence on the ride home. I'm just so sad. I'm frustrated that my current life is filled with pain. I'm sad that he has to endure this with me. I do not feel strong. 

I cry.

It's been 48 hrs and I am feeling much better. The pain is bearable and I have sat in my emotions and worked through them. Hopefully, that is the last of the biopsies. I should have results this afternoon and a follow up with my doctor on how to proceed. 

The rest of my tests are non invasive, minus the IV, but that I can handle. 

I am feeling grateful for the support, the kind words and the laughs provided to help me through this. I am thankful I can find the humor in all of this and I am feeling stronger everyday. 

Port

One step closer to starting treatment. 

I had my port successfully placed early Thursday morning and everything went as planned. Recovery was an hour or so of the medicine wearing off and sipping some water until they knew I could walk on my own. 

We were back home by 9am and I was cuddled up on the couch ready to relax.

Healing quite nicely and today there was only mild discomfort. 

I've decided to move forward with scalp cooling. The system my cancer center uses is Cooler Heads. I have been watching all the videos I can to try to soak up as much information before I start. I will have an education session with a rep from the company so I won't have to learn everything on my own. 

Something that brought me joy today: 

I love her art and sounded-out words

The Wait.

Another week passes, more tests scheduled and more information scribbled at a breakneck speed in our dedicated cancer notebook. 

Who knew there were different types of chemo medicine? I thought chemo WAS the medicine. Chemo simply means chemical. And lucky me, there are all sorts of chemicals depending on the variety of cancer you have. Oh what a privilege it is to not know these terms!

Before we schedule my treatment, I will have a PET scan and an echocardiogram. The PET scan will detect or rule out any additional areas of concern in my whole body. They will inject radioactive tracers via IV and this will help highlight any areas that have suspicious growth activity. 

The echocardiogram is an ultrasound on my heart to ensure I am strong enough to start chemo. Unfortunately chemo can put stress on the heart on top of all of the additional side effects. 

In two weeks I will have a meeting with the educator on scalp cooling. This is to help preserve hair and prevent permanent hair loss from chemotherapy. I have a dear friend that has had success with cold capping and I am excited to learn more about it! 

I have also learned about neuropathy, nerve damage to your fingers and toes. There are special gloves and socks you can wear with ice packs in them to help reduce this side effect. Compression gloves and socks are also proven to be helpful. 

A lot of the information I have learned has been from my friends, doctors and reddit threads. What I'm finding is that a Google search can sometimes be outdated with the information is provides, especially if you don't know what you are looking for. Reddit and friends who have been through cancer recently provide first hand experience of what current treatment can look like (spoiler: it's not like the movies!). I'm hoping this can also serve as a resource to those newly diagnosed. 

Tomorrow I will have my port placement. If you're interested in learning about that THIS video is helpful. It should be a few hours all said and done and then I can head home to recover. I'm looking forward to having the "all clear" to start chemo. The next few weeks will consist of appointments, check ins and final tests before I start with my treatment plan. 

Things that bring me joy: 

• Our sprouting garden and vegetable starts
• Beach trips and local ice cream shops
• Dinners on our back porch

I have cancer.

I am grateful for my lump. Words I never thought I would say and yet here I am; finding the silver lining of early detection. 

I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma on March 13. I also never thought I would become so comfortable and fluent in medical terms and procedures but here we are. 

The past three months have been a ride with continuous heart-stopping drops. Let me break this down: 

January I discovered a lump

February I had an appointment with my OB

The following week I had a mammogram and ultrasound

The next week I had a biopsy

The next day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

I received a call from my OB asking if I wanted to come in or discuss over the phone and my nerves would not allow me to wait another second for the results. As I bathe my child I discuss the abnormality of my type of cancer, how aggressive it is and how there will be years of treatment in my future. 

I thanked her, hung up the phone, and rinsed the conditioner from Leona's hair. 

To say "life goes on" is an understatement. As I prepare and pack her little lunch my mind is fogged by the heavy weight of the words I just consumed. As I brush and style her hair, I imagine how losing mine will look. As we drive to school drop off, I play her favorite songs ranging from Judas Priest to Taylor Swift as I hear nothing at all. After she bounces away to her friends in the Pre K line I pull off and make the call to my husband. 

We start to tell family. We inform our friends. Calls and texts we hate to share as we don't connect often enough in the first place. Relaying information and answering questions begins. Except we don't have any answers... Yet. 

The grief hits us at different times and for different reasons. As you can imagine, life flashes before you and plays in your mind like a roll of film. Initially we were only given general information about my cancer: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Grade 3. What is a grade? Is that the same as stage? Oh god thats bad. And we had to wait about a week to meet with a breast specialist for the rest of the information. The waiting is the hardest part. The unknown is the hardest part. 

We leaned on each other, we leaned on people who have been through the same. 

Our appointment finally came on a beautiful warm, sunny day. My girl friends wore pink in solidarity. 

We sat in the tiny room, sweating, not only because of anticipation but the AC was broken. We wait watching the temperature rise on the unit...76...78...79. The doctor comes in.

STAGE ONE. 

Relief. Tears. Squeeze my hand three times. 

My exact treatment plan is yet to be determined (appointment this week) and I know this will be a long road ahead. 

Here is what I am grateful for: 

• My husband 
• My daughter
• Family
• Friends the feel like family
• Negative genetic testing! (lowers the risk for Leona)
• My health (besides the cancer part)

and last but not least:

I am grateful for my lump!

I take my own photos

While sitting at a bar going through the outfit photos I just shot, I suddenly heard a voice from right behind my left shoulder, "What are you shooting?!" (Imagine a really high voice inflection at the end). My not-so-eager response, "Myself." Kind of awkward, I know. I always get asked what I'm taking photos of, what my blog is about, but mostly WHO takes my photos.

I do. Me. It's always been me. (except for a few occasions) And here's why: I have always been able to rely on myself, I have always been able to fit it into my schedule, and I'm kind of difficult to work with. I am a very particular person, I know what kind of shots I like to see and I like to think that I know my best angles. So, It's just easier if I do it myself.

This always seems to be an odd sight for passers-by. It's almost a given I will get stopped and asked what I'm doing. And trust me, after 4 years of doing this form of ultimate selfie, I've got it down to a science. Need a little guidance in taking your own photos for your blog? I'd love to help! So without further adieu,  here are my secrets to taking my own photos!

1. Equipment:
When I take my blog photos my essentials are simple: A camera, a tripod and a remote. The camera that I use is the Cannon Rebel t3i. This was the first camera that I bought and I am still 100% in love with it! It has a screen that flips out and folds around so I can look at myself in live view.

The remote I use is THIS one.

Good shot, yeah?

And the tripod is just one that I picked up from Best Buy. Nothing fancy, but it does the job.

2. Next, The location.
I do have my favorite spots and I also have my spots of convenience. Normally I have about 30 minutes before I have to run out and do something or go to work, so I have minimal time to bust out outfit photos. I'm lucky I live in an awesome neighborhood with lots of great spots within walking distance. Depending on the time of day I go different places. If it's around noon, or whenever the sun is high in the sky, I normally try to choose shaded areas (Bridges, sides of buildings, etc…).



If I have a the night off and I am able to shoot at sunset I love to find new places to shoot and catch that beautiful light!




3. Getting the shot:
I set my lens on auto focus and put the remote function on the camera. I set up the tripod so it is just slightly taller than me and pointing at a slight downward angle. I feel like this simulates an actual photographer.

4. Shots I take:

My go to shots are usually some combination of the following:

• Close up smiling
• Full length of outfit
• Outfit details
• Hilarious outtake
• Shoe Shot
• Serious look off into the distance
• Walking and looking to the side
• Dancing or doing something dumb. 

Am I right?

5. Confidence.
This is the most important part, and let me tell you in the beginning I had very little of this in my wheelhouse.

The photos that I took were in secluded places with terrible lighting where I would hope I wouldn't run into anyone. Now, the places that I love to shoot at are normally highly populated with people, and I'm just fine with that.

For me, knowing that I'm doing something that is interesting to others makes it all worth while. I love doing things that push my limits and it may make me feel slightly uncomfortable but that's what helps us grow, right? Doing things outside our comfort level. It's silly, I know, but trust me it is so much fun!

So if you are wanting to try taking your own photos please let me know if there are things that have gone unanswered in this post! I would love to help you succeed in this!

And trust me, we all start somewhere so don't worry if your photos aren't perfect at first! It took me about 2 years to really nail it!
I went from THIS

To THIS:

I hope this was helpful in some way!

Happy shooting, Friends!

July Favorites

Hey All! I Vlogged! Here are my July Favorites! There are links to most things below the video!



First Aid Beauty-
    Cleanser-
    Ultra Repair Cream-
Primer- The Porefessional-
Concealer- Covergirl Depuffer-
NYX- Born to Glow-
Tarte- Amazonian Clay 12-hr blush Captivating-
LUSH-
    Bubblegum scrub-
    Lip Service- 
NYX- Butter Gloss-
Self Tanner- Fake Bake-
Hair Growth- Lee Stafford-
Sea Salt Spray- Not Your Mothers- 
Nail Polish-
    Debrah Lipman- Blue Orchid
    Essie- Cute as a button
    Sally Hanson- Sand Storm
Elizabeth and James- Nirvana Black-
Sports Bra- Athleta- Hullabalu
Workout tights- Old Navy- 
Swimsuit- Victoria Secret
Necklace- Shop Riffraff
Kimonos- Forever 21
Water Bottle- BKR-

Dreams

I feel like it's about that time for me to do some reflecting. I've been very hot and cold when it comes to blogging. I get a wild hair one day, and drop it like a bad habit the next. The thing of it is I really want to be blogging. I really want to be sharing and writing and photographing and babbling…

It's just not happening.

Real talk: I don't even remember my dreams. Ever. But lately I've been having these really vivid dreams about being kidnapped. Sometimes I will even awake in a panic. I talked to a good friend about these dreams and she asked me this, "Do you feel like something has been taken away from you lately? Something in your life if missing?"

Boom. Nailed it.

I guess I didn't really recognize what a big part blogging held in my life. I've been neglecting that creative side. And it's just bubbling up and basically about ready to burst. Thank goodness for the encouragement of good friends, the entertainment they provide and just the fuel I need to set my blogging spirit on fire again!

Okay so here's the thing I'm going to answer. The question you're not asking because you're too nice, I get it.
My boyfriend FULLY supports my blogging. No, he hasn't locked up my computer and demanded all of my time, honest. I've just wanted to spend all of my time with that boy. We work out together, we cook together. It's, like, the best. I know I know… fully blown mushy relationship stuff. But you have you ever heard me talk about anyone like this? It's like that Simon and Garfunkel song is playing over and over again and we are doing the dance scene from 500 Days of Summer.

I know I know.  I'll stop.

I just wanted to clear a few things up, that's all!


Dress- c/o Ark&co via WWDMAGIC, Necklace- Handmade by Lauren Harkness, Shoes- Sam Edelman, Sunnies- Betsey Johnson, Ring- Kate Spade






Happy Friday, Friends!